2 AM Thoughts
I read this essay that says, “if you could ask any young adult what their primary stressor in life is, it must be something that relates to uncertainty. How many times have you heard that someone said “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life”. Probably a million times. The idea that we should know everything is a heaping pile of socially crafted bullshit that’s been superimposed on our psyches since we were kindergarten, and it’s holding us back.”
Sometimes I forget that we are all just living between the lines of life — between the aches and the joys, between what is happy and what is sad within us. Sometimes I forget that I’m not alone in that. We are all just playing with darkness and light, we are all just trying to find our harmony.
I’ve searched hundreds of pages for the best expressions of my feelings, for a bit of revelation, a little understanding and in those words, poems and lyrics I hope for a bit is filling in the emptiness that I feel, a consolation for the ache that comes deep within.
The truth is, we yearn for connection, yet isolate ourselves. We seek love, but we fear loss. We want to change, but don’t want to change. We over-consume then wonder why there’s no space to create.
How genuinely are you going to live? How afraid are you going to be? For how many more years are you going to let your demons conquer you?
I’m the kind of person who is sometimes can be really quiet in large groups or around people I don’t know, you only see the real me if we’re close. I smile and laugh a lot, especially at the most inappropriate times. I’m a hopeless romantic.
I trip over air, upstairs, and over people’s feet. I am the hardest person to offend, but it is easy to make me feel horrible. I hate telling people about my problems; they just don’t need to worry about me.
I’m the one who listens to other people’s problems. I believe people should not be judged before we take time to get to know them, yet I’m guilty of doing that exact thing.
I love to write rather than talk, I’m awkward, clumsy, shy, strange…
It took me a very long time to finally discover myself in a way that I can express myself, my thoughts, and visions. Is there anyone reading this? Can I really reach you with my words? Do I make a difference? That remains a question, but I like to try.
When I was in a worse state, it was always something that was missing. Someone who understood me, who felt what I felt, who could articulate what was going on inside of me, someone who took care of me, someone who could guide me through the search and name all of the chaos inside of me. But when that person was not there, I only had two options, and I chose to fight. I wanted to discover who I was, what caused my thoughts, my questions, and my emptiness, and how I could fill, and express it, how I could find myself in the chaos, and make the chaos in the world change.
I love this one quote from Nikita Gill, “the universe had to fall apart into dust first to become it’s majestic, incredible, infinite self. What makes you think this breaking, this trauma, this destruction, won’t be the making of a more powerful you too?”
I’d like to believe that when life doesn’t go as expected, trust the reroute. Embrace the uncertainty, and take the waiting to continue to create masterpieces. Opportunity is often delivered in a fog of uncertainty.
With love,
R
