Are You Truly Healed or Just Distracted?
I saw this quote a while ago “Are you healed or just distracted?” and then it started to resonate deeper because of how true it was. Sometimes we distract ourselves from going through the process of healing because the hurt was painful enough. We’d rather not confront it or acknowledge it because if we acknowledge it, then we have to handle it.
Time heals all wounds, they say.
But how long does it take?
I used to think that I would heal after a certain amount of time. Well, that’s just not the case. Healing isn’t simple. It isn’t linear. You don’t put a checkmark next to a list. It’s a roller coaster, it goes up and down. Healing isn’t beautiful and poetic. It’s messy and ugly.
There are those moments when you feel free and hopeful, even when you thought you had no hope left. On the good days, you will notice the people who love you and fight for you. You will feel supported and so loved. You will feel like you are healed from all the pain. Even if you haven’t, yet.
There are also those moments when you feel like you don’t belong like you are drowning from trying to swim against the current. And then, you will constantly search for a rope, or a hand to pull you up, but there’s no rope nor a hand. And you ask yourself millions of questions that may not actually have any answers. You will feel lost and alone and unsure of yourself, of everything, and you will inevitably worry that you are backtracking or sliding back down a slippery slope to where you started.
And it has been really difficult.
I learned that pain in the smallest of forms to the biggest of them has to be checked. It has a tricky way of hiding behind the bravado of ego and it’s hard because it won’t leave you until it’s finished teaching you. The longer you take to confront it, the more room leave for it to grow.
Distraction from pain, heartache, abandonment, and fear doesn’t make it go away because you refuse to take it head-on. Ego comes in and says, “You’re fine! Why would you need to talk to someone? No. You can handle it yourself.”
See, being distracted and being healed can be confused for the same thing — on the outside. They both start great, but one leaves you wanting more and the other leaves you content.
I think the most pivotal moments in my life originated from a place of pain. If you never experience pain, how could you have context for true joy?
I heard this analogy once and I thought it was so powerful. Holding onto pain is like playing tug of war; you can pull as hard as you want because you want to hold onto it, but when you finally decide to let go, the cuts are skin deep. sometimes out of fear, we hold onto things, but all it does is cut that much deeper when it’s time to let go.
A concept that’s always intrigued me and also scared me a little, is how loving someone can turn into something so fragile. The love we give is never equal to the love we receive, and by now I should have enough encounters with the wrong ones to finally accept that fact. Not just because it explains the pain we feel, but because it’s the most practical thing to do.
The truth is that I am terrified. I currently have too many questions left unanswered to risk opening up my heart again.
On the optimistic side of me, I do believe that healing happens when it wants to happen. We wouldn’t need to force speed it. — It could happen in the depth of the night at your 2 am thought. It could happen when you read a poem or listen to a song that resonates with you deeply. It could happen when you are taking a walk all alone, and you remember everything that is missing, everything that cuts you, and you feel so much at once that you can barely catch your breath like a stabbing in your chest, it all hits you in a split second.
Then everything will start to hurt. Your heart hurts. Your head hurts. Your body feels heavy. The healing part happens quietly and delicately, and it repeats itself over time. Sometimes it moves very slowly, but it is continuous, it never ends. So you have to be gentle with yourself and gentle with the process. You have to have faith that you will start to feel better and that this world has something better in store for you. You have to be patient, and you have to trust yourself that you are brave enough to heal.
One day, you will wake up and realize all of the bruises and scars all over you, but you will look at it and think, “Wow, I made it.” The bruises and the scars will be proof of how strong you are to survive this long. That you can do this. That you will breathe again. That you will be okay.
With love,
R
