Drama-Romance Isn’t My Genre
When I was a kid, I always believed that true love is something magical that will happen to everybody’s life as some sort of the end game of becoming a whole. We’ll meet our soulmate at a bar, or a coffee shop, or on the beach, or in school, or maybe somewhere totally foreign and unexpected. And we would simply fall in love in the blink of an eye as we whisper to each other’s ears the L word, get married, and finally live happily ever after.
Of course, those were the things I’ve learned from reading too many fiction novels and watching too many drama movies. Because romance in real life is not that simple to begin with, it’s far more complicated and confusing. Oh, being a hopeful romantic was very reassuring, and somewhat pathetic.
You see, there comes a time when you meet someone, and all the things you want in a lover just start to disappear. You wanted a tall guy who could lift you up when you both kiss like in those old movies, and then all of a sudden his not-so-tall and chubby figure becomes your favorite. You wanted someone who plays sports, but the way he plays guitar just softens your heart. You wanted someone who could use beautiful words to make you feel better, but instead, you meet someone who doesn’t speak a word when you’re feeling down, he just sits there and holds you with no intention of letting you go. And you meet someone who makes you laugh so hard you can’t breathe, then suddenly he’s exactly like what you wanted him to be. He makes you happy, and that is enough.
As I grew up, I realized that not everything is supposed to become something beautiful, long-lasting, and perfect. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is meant to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.
Maybe you met your soulmate somewhere down the line but at the wrong time. Honest feelings and bad timing make the most painful combination. Yup, timing’s a bitch. But, we can’t always force things to happen the way we want them to, right? You cannot force people to love you or to stay. If someone doesn’t meet you halfway with where you are, you cannot keep asking them to do so. You cannot pour your love into a vessel that cannot contain it. You cannot pour your love into a soul not willing to receive it. You will only end up emptying yourself. You have to learn to let go, learn to walk away. Because you deserve to be loved without having to beg for it.
The truth is, to be loved is always one of my ideal desires. I want to have a love story worth telling my future self and my future kids, and maybe even direct a movie about it. I want to meet my soulmate, a prince charming riding on a white horse to rescue me. I want to have that magical kiss that erases all the pains and worries. I want to not be afraid of the dark or the nightmares when I go to sleep knowing that someone is sleeping beside me to hold me and to keep me safe. But, I guess the universe is not yet on my side as the sighting of my prince charming on a white horse is nowhere to be found.
I always tell myself that I deserve someone who is 100% sure about me, no exceptions, no buts. I want to fall in love with someone who is both my safe place and my biggest adventure partner.
I remember one of my favorite writers, Nietzsche, said this, “you need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.”
So, I guess it’s in my nature to not be afraid of other people’s storms as I realize that I have my own.
Someday, I’ll be making pancakes and brewing coffee on an obligationless morning with plans to spend the day in a way that holds meaning to me. The weather will be perfect and my home will hold a glow that makes me wonder if it was always that pretty or if I just never before took the time to notice. Maybe I’ll have a person when this day comes, and maybe I won’t. But if I don’t, I hope I have no qualms about it. I hope I love myself enough that all along I never needed anyone. That loving myself is the most worthwhile romance of all.
With love,
R
