Is Flying Solo A Good Idea?
One day I came to a social gathering my Uni peers held at this fancy restaurant. I spotted not one, but many of my friends brought their partners as they were leaning over each other talking like they were in this little private bubble, just the two of them. I sighed and took a sip of my coffee. Alone. Again, I thought.
I spent my whole life looking for some kind of “forever” love, the one, a soulmate that I could just pour myself into. This love would make me okay. Happy. Loved. I’m fucking insane.
Having invested five months or five years of our lives in being with another person, we begin to worry about the what-ifs, especially the big one: What if we’re wasting our time on someone who isn’t “the one”? And how do we know if this one is the one? This confusing dichotomy of increased confidence in and comfort with our partnership bond accompanied by decreased certainty of our partner’s rightness occurs naturally as we move closer to long-term commitment, and to set clear boundaries between our wants and our needs in terms of a partner or a relationship is not particularly easy as a matter of fact.
I’ve been single my entire life, until one day when I was in my freshman year of University I met a guy whom I thought would be the one. We’ve dated for a good five years, and even already planned the whole wedding after we graduated. Sadly, the plot twist came in as we broke up not long after our fifth anniversary. That, of course, left me with a big trauma that led me to continuously doubt my self-worth as a person.
I’ve dated a couple of guys afterward. The first one lasted for only 5 months, another one is my current boyfriend. The ugly truth is I don’t know where we heading, nor when I was with my previous boyfriend whom I dated for 5 months. At first, I was sure that these loves were meant to be a remedy for my past failed-5-years-relationship trauma, but I guess I was wrong. Because I wouldn’t be here writing this specific post about flying solo if I was right.
That impossible idealism I set for a partner might be what causes this feeling. Yes, I had a debate with my best friend over this already. Surprisingly, he told me that I would be an ideal girlfriend material if I wasn’t so hard to catch.
My 5-years-boyfriend described me as an unsolved algorithm, my 5-months-boyfriend described me as a unique puzzle and a mystery, and my current boyfriend frankly has also been describing me as a fortress with many glass doors. All leads to the definition of me being such a complex a.k.a complicated person.
Complicated. Sure, I can live with that. Heck, I can even live being called crazy. I mean that’s what they thought I was, and that’s okay.
Somewhere along my relationship experience, I realized that it takes more than enchanting eye contact, late-night intense conversation, and ‘I love you’s, to understand someone and solve their mystery. Then, what does it take? you may wonder. I don’t know. I’ve never been able to fully understood by anyone my whole life so I don’t have the answer for that. If you happen to be with someone right now and know exactly who they are even to the smallest and darkest corner. Congrats my friend, you’ve solved the algorithm, finished the puzzle, and entered the right glass door.
Inspired by a Medium article I read earlier by Vanessa Torre titled “What I Actually Love About Being Single”, I think I’m really intrigued about the idea of being single. Yes, relationships have so many perks, but they also have equally negative effects. Adapting is fucking exhausting, and up to this point, I don’t think that I could give up my freedom and beliefs to match another person’s convenience. Not anymore.
We all know that dating is an activity where effort does not match the outcome. No matter how much you date, no matter how much effort you put in, variables you employ, it is still possible, if not probable, that you’ll end up with nothing. At least that’s certainly been my experience.
I may have only dated for six years. Though I’ve invested so much effort in those six years, zero results recouped. Can you imagine doing anything for that long without achieving your desired result? Do you think you could retain your sanity? Seriously, imagine moving houses for 6 years without finding one that suits you. Yes, I’m still young and I have so much time on my hands to go explore as many as I can until I find the perfect one. But, why would I want to spend another precious time and effort on something that would turn out to be a waste?
So, my question is, do you think that flying solo is a good idea? At least for now. Because after all, maybe all I need is time to recollect myself and regain my sanity. Learn to trust again. Learn to love. Learn to accept. Or do you think I should just keep swimming with the current?
With love,
R
