Love Is Overrated
Well, we’ve all been there.
The butterflies, the daydreaming, the staring into each other’s eyes. All those signs that unmistakably let you know you’ve fallen into the hands of Cupid. A soulmate. A once-in-a-lifetime love, etc.
But, what is this actually all about? Is it sexual? Is it biological? Do we really need a so-called love so desperately to make us feel whole?
The fact is, the idea of marrying for love was laughable until the 19th century and the introduction of romanticism in the arts and literature.
Have you ever considered that love might be just an illusion, a social narrative implanted by romantic novels and Hollywood scripts?
Hollywood makes us believe that romance should be intense; it’s all about the butterflies, the drama, the heightened emotions, and finding the one who you’ll marry and spend the rest of your life with. Until they come along, life is just ‘meh’. Many of us are on a constant search to find a relationship that will fill the voids we have and where we can finally be ourselves with someone.
Why must we wait until that ‘special’ relationship comes along? Why can’t we feel the compassion and joy we think that relationship will give us now? Is our own self-love and the love from our friends and family not enough? Why do we put our emotions on hold, waiting for that moment of attraction towards someone where there’s a sudden rush? We have confused lust with love, passion with intimacy, and infatuation with connection.
We hold on so tightly to the loves that almost were. We fall so in love with the idea of someone being our forever that we don’t even allow ourselves the grace of getting to know them before we become irreversibly attached.
Our culture has over-romanticized the notion of love. The very idea that finding a perfect soulmate who’ll transform your entire life, is wrong. “Love at first sight” or “Prince charming” is all bullshit theories that society and literature have successfully planted in our minds. This is a slow poison that has destroyed so many lives. With love comes great expectations and expectations are the root cause of pain. One should feel “butterflies flying” or the “spark” or that “special connection” to be able to believe that they’re in love.
I’m not saying to deny the validity of feelings and emotions that we feel. Feelings and emotions are real. If you truly love a person, you will love them no matter what. That’s why there’s a thing called unconditional love. You love that person because you want to, not because you have that hope that someday they will love you back. If you just hope to be loved back, that’s not love to begin with, it is just some business deal. You should love because your feelings for them are real, deep, and true.
Yes, the pressure of the relationship lasting for the rest of your life is another notion that needs to be let go of as this harbors attachment and fear. Change is inevitable and while I believe it is possible to spend the whole of your life in a wonderful relationship with one person. Sometimes relationships aren’t meant to last forever however that relationship ending does not mean it was a waste of time or that there’s no room for love again. As long as you’re alive and there are plenty of wonderful people on this planet, you don’t need to feel a lack of love.
I’ve always assumed that this lingering feeling of lostness would dissipate once I found the person I wanted to spend my life with.
Until I ask myself: Will that love still get me out of bed in the morning? Will that love be the thing that I am the most proud of? Will that love give me total fulfillment? Will that love nourish my soul in all the ways that it deserves? Is that love the thing that I am the most passionate about?
Maybe, maybe not. But that is a risk that I am NOT willing to take.
The obsession that our society has created around finding your person is a distraction that temporarily takes us away from the total and complete lostness we feel within ourselves. And if I were to meet the love of my life tomorrow, those things would still be true.
We all crave love and attention however instead of giving those qualities to ourselves, we seek it externally. That rush of emotion which we think is love acts as a stimulant that fools us into thinking the intense feelings are something special when in fact they are feelings of attachment caused by our separation from our own self.
Real love evolves naturally, is nurtured consistently, and takes time. The best, healthiest romantic relationships are between two people who not only complete themselves but have come together because they love each other, not because they need each other to make up for a lack of self-love. Love is free and so there are no rules or regulations which have to be followed to feel loved.
I believe we all need a reminder about how precious life truly is. And it’s not all about love. There may not be specific dreams, ambitions, or goals written in your head, but in your heart, I believe that you do know why you’re here — to make the most out of living, partake in the present, and relish this gift of life like Lady Gaga once said, “Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”
With love,
R
