Self-Worth Reflection
Do you ever feel like constantly asking your self-worth is the only thing staring back at you in the mirror, returning your gaze with all-consuming reminders of why you could’ve, should’ve, would’ve been? Spinning you round and round like the teacup ride at a carnival, replaying broken records of heartache, and previewing what different outcomes might have led to in another dimension?
I feel like I’m stuck inside a room with no ceiling that separates me from the rest of the world. I’m constantly looking above and never spend enough time looking within. I’m so focused on what’s above me, what is going on outside of my own realm of mind and being, and I realize this is why I don’t truly know myself.
All I focused on were the clouds and rainbows I built in my make-believe sky because I never opened my eyes wide enough to see the real one.
Will my story keep repeating the same sad monologue?
I think our entire lives we’ve been conditioned to think that our life starts the day we finally find the person we are supposed to spend the rest of our lives with or how we finally got our dream job, and our dream house.
The thing about life is that it doesn’t happen until it happens. We don’t know what we don’t know until we do.
It is so challenging to exist in a space where you are a stranger to yourself because it makes you feel like the road will never rise to meet you. It makes you feel like there is no perfect partner, no perfect career, no perfect city or home to call your own.
You imagine that the perfect job will give you the right identity, that the ideal partner will hand you the life you always wanted. You assume that home is a place you discover when really, it is a space that you create.
You are at home within your bones, and eventually, you’ll begin to accept that you are where you’re supposed to be. It’s not that you have to search your soul to know what’s right, but that you are developing your persona to fully inhabit and embrace all that your soul wants to create and experience.
When I am alone, I want to feel like I am not just existing, but I am living. I don’t want this feeling of lostness to return even when the dust settles. I don’t want another person to make me feel complete. I want to feel that wholeness on my own.
Maybe my story keeps repeating the same sad monologue now and then, but it also has a happy monologue too. So, everything’s good, I guess.
With love,
R
